I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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