I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
A+ Viking dick
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