dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
