She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
