Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
