What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I have fence marks all over my body
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize