my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
