Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
