I just made out with a guy for $7.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
