Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
