Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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