proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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