I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I want a musical about memes.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
