Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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