There was a lot of him and a little penis
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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