You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
