I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
