Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
