i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
