I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I think your dad took our porno
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
