Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
