I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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