i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
