did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
