drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
