hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
i out mim tonsoeep
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