My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
