Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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