I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize