note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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