I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
