I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
