You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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