hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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