I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
