Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
