she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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