And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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