When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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