looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
