I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
