So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
