he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
