OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
