I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
