Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
