i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
