she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
