Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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