id be glad to
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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