no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
