First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You need Xanax blowdarts
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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