I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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