I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
