If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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