Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
